Waking the Demon
by hoechlin.trash
Summary: Amanda Rollins thought that after transferring to Manhattan everything would change and go back to normal. How wrong she was. After being reminded of her past Amanda's life spirals out of control as it begins to affect her at work and she can no longer hide her past. Amanda is close to giving up but can her friend, the woman she admires, loves, so much save her?
1. Author's Note

Since I have a more updated version of this story so far I'm going to take down the old chapters and publish the new updated versions. I finally have a plan for this story which I should be able to stick to! I hope you enjoy this story. As always, it'd be great to get feedback :)

Thanks for sticking with this story, it means a lot ✨


	2. Chapter 1

**Amanda's POV**

' _My secrets are burning a hole through my heart_

 _And my bones catch a fever_

 _When it cuts you up this deep_

 _It's hard to find a way to breathe._

 _Your eyes are swallowing me_

 _Mirrors start to whisper_

 _Shadows start to sing_

 _My skin's smothering me_

 _Help me find a way to breathe.'_

"Are we all ready?"

Olivia Benson called out while putting on her navy blue blazer which completed her outfit. Olivia had been asked to speak at a conference about rape kits and decided to invite her fellow detectives and ADA Barba as she thought this could be beneficial for them although deep down the main reason was that she wanted support. Many important figures within the police force were going to be attending and Olivia didn't want to let herself, her colleagues, or the NYPD down. She thought she'd be more comfortable if she had her friends with her. The detectives nodded in unison to Olivia's question.

"Okay then. Fin you take your car. Nick you're with him in the front. Carisi and Barba you can sit in the back together. Rollins and I will take my car."

Barba opened his mouth to protest but then closed it again without saying anything. Fin and Nick were already in the car and Barba turned to Carisi and said:

"If you make that joke about the monkey again I will not be responsible for my actions."

He gave Carisi a slight smile to let him know he was only joking. Carisi then gave his best impression of a monkey just as Barba got into the car. He finally stopped after he realised that I was staring at him.

"What? Not even a laugh, Rollins?"

I rolled my eyes. Carisi and I seemed to have this relationship where the more we irritated each other, the more we got on. We gave each other a smile and then he got into the car. Olivia came back with her car keys. I hadn't even noticed she'd gone. She unlocked her car and we both got in it.

"Do you want to stop somewhere and grab a coffee?"

Olivia asked. We were going across town and with the traffic it would probably take roughly an hour.

"Sure."

We stopped at this coffee bar after 20 minutes of driving.

"I'll be two minutes."

Olivia got out of the car and walked into the shop. I wondered what she drank. Did she prefer coffee or a cappuccino? Why did I all of a sudden want to know everything about this woman? I looked out of the window and the trees were swaying. It must be cold. Now I was regretting not bringing my jacket. Least I was going to be inside most of the time anyway. I jumped when I heard the click of the door open. Olivia was back carrying two cups. She sat in the driver seat and handed me my drink.

"I didn't know what you wanted and they make these amazing hazelnut lattes here so I thought you'd like one."

I took a sip of the drink and it tasted good.

"I can always go get another drink if you don't like it."

Olivia's face was covered with embarrassment and concern. I couldn't help but smile at her.

"It's good. I'm glad you got me it instead of coffee."

Olivia returned the smile. Olivia took a sip of her drink and then put it in the cup holder. She then placed the key in the ignition and we were back on the road.

"What drink did you get?"

She didn't take her eyes off the road, she was all about safety.

"Just a cappuccino."

So, she was a cappuccino kind of girl.

I hardly knew Olivia yet I was talking to her as if I had known her all my life.

"How are you settling in?"

Manhattan was better than I had expected. The people I had gotten to know were so kind to me and the views were breath-taking. Manhattan was my chance at a better life. I had to take it.

"I really like it here and I hope I make the most of it."

Olivia smiled at that. Her smile made me feel warm. It gave me a sense of security.

"Amanda, you're a great cop and a key part of the team."

Olivia's voice told me she was being serious. I couldn't believe that. I had made so many stupid mistakes. Instead of admitting that, I decided to lighten the mood.

"You're not too bad yourself."

Olivia let out a laugh. She seemed to be completely relaxed. I wanted this to go well for her because she deserved to be trusted to run the precinct. If this speech went well, then it is more likely that the people who will make the decision will have the confidence in her. Olivia deserved to stay, she had to. Without her knowing any of my problems, she managed to help by making me work to the best of my ability. She might have been seeing a therapist but she was my therapy.

We had reached the final ten minutes of the journey. I looked at Olivia. I couldn't stop staring at her.

"Are you nervous? Oh wait, stupid question."

"Not as much as I thought I would be. Thanks for distracting me."

A compliment from Olivia could change my mood completely. It took me a couple of seconds to recompose myself. I grinned at Olivia.

"Anytime."

I was too busy trying to gather my surroundings that I couldn't quite hear Olivia. I was sure she said I'll remember that. I hope she did. Was I falling for Olivia? Of course I wasn't. She was my boss, and she had Noah to look after and she was straight. I didn't love Olivia, I just admired her. I told myself that there was no point in thinking about it because Olivia Benson could never love me and even if she could, I could never love her like she would love me.

"I thought I was meant to be the nervous one."

Olivia broke the silence. Again, I found myself smiling like an idiot.

"Yes you are. Don't go breaking tradition Liv."

I just called her Liv. I shouldn't have done that. Why did I do that?

"It's not my fault if you zoned out and looked more anxious than me. All joking aside is every thing okay?."

I reassured her I was fine, like I had reassured everybody else.

"Why are you so distracted then?"

Olivia teased. How was I meant to answer? Oh it's just because I think I might be falling in love with you. Or I could lie like I always do. I'm good at that.

"I've just never been here before, that's all."

Olivia seemed to believe it as she nodded her head. I decided to look out of the window for the last few minutes. It relaxed me, that's what I needed. The streets were busy but it seemed to fit the area well. The place was easy to admire. I took a mental note to take Frannie to the park here one day. She'd like it here. Suddenly I jumped out of my skin. Olivia had touched my knee.

"We're here."

I was lost for words so I just smiled. I could smile at Olivia all day.

Fin's car was already there when we arrived. They were standing there waiting for us. Olivia parked the car next to Fin's. The four of them greeted us as we got out of the car.

"What took you two so long?" Nick asked while looking at his watch.

We all laughed before Olivia showed them the cups which used to hold the hot beverages.

"Thanks for getting us drinks too Liv." Rafael said seriously however he failed to hold back a grin.

We walked closer to the entrance. The building was magnificent. I could see that it had four floors. The conference was being held in a room on the second floor. The building looked just as good on the inside as it did on the outside. We couldn't help but stop for a moment to admire it. We got into the lift with a few other people that I didn't recognise. They were going to the second floor as well. Altogether there was ten of us in the lift and when the lift pinged to let us know it had reached the second floor. Nine of us got off leaving a middle-aged woman whose eyes never left her tablet. The corridor was filled with people heading in the same direction - towards the room where the conference would take place.

"Are you Olivia Benson?"

A voice called out. Olivia turned around to acknowledge the person who had spoken.

"I'm Andrew Knowles from the Bronx. I'm speaking after you. I've heard a lot about your work and I admire it. I was wondering if you wanted to discuss it more over a coffee or something?"

The man's tone was smug and his attitude was over-confident. Olivia did not find this appealing.

"Sorry but I can't. Thanks for the offer though."

He quickly walked away. We all exchanged glances among each other.

"Did that really happen?" Sonny was almost laughing until he looked at Olivia. "Er... Not because of your appearance but because of where we are, obviously."

Now it was Olivia's turn to roll her eyes at Sonny.

"Shut up Carisi."

We were all laughing which was a good sign since Olivia would begin her speech in roughly fifteen minutes. Olivia told us she had to go and get ready for her speech. Rafael told her we'd save her a seat.

The room was already nearly full but we had managed to find a row of seats near the middle of the room. Barba went and sat down first followed by Amaro and then Carisi and then me. There was a spare seat next to mine. That's where Olivia would be sitting after her speech. I just hoped that Olivia's speech would be received well. There she was. Waiting to go on stage. She looked composed, that was a good sign, right? As soon as she stepped onto that stage I was mesmerised. She was strong and confident. When she spoke, her words were so passionate.

"It's time to act now to make sure that this issue never happens again. Thank you."

She had finished her speech. It couldn't have gone any better. Everyone was on their feet applauding, even Andrew Knowles. Olivia walked off the stage smiling. She came over to us and took her seat.

"Well done Liv. That was honestly amazing!" I whispered to her.

Andrew Knowles had already begun his speech so she just mouthed thank you back. His speech wasn't as good as Olivia's but he was determined to make his the longest. Olivia's speech had lasted roughly four minutes - he had been talking for five minutes with no intention of stopping. I decided to quickly go to the bathroom and hope that when I got back he would have finished.

I took my time walking to the bathroom even though it was only across the hall. I didn't expect the bathroom to look the way it did. It had three cubicles with the same amount of wash basins. I didn't expect it to be so big. I could stay here for a few minutes easily. The bathroom had the scent of lavender. I quite liked lavender. I checked my hair and make-up in the mirror. I looked the same as I did every day. I looked at my watch. It had been three minutes. He would have finished his speech by now. I opened the door to hear his voice. I froze.

It was him.

There he was giving a speech acting like he was the greatest thing that the American police force had ever seen. But I knew what he really was. He's the lingering presence in the air that follows you wherever you go. He's the one who haunts your thoughts and brings the almost palpable sensation that he is by your side, watching your every move.

I couldn't listen to his speech. Every time I heard his voice it reminded me of what he said to me. How could I ever forget what he said to me that night? His words were poison. His lips were poison. Every thing about him was poison. He had infected me and I was still trying to find the antidote. However I didn't think that it existed because I had tried to find it over the last few years and I hadn't found anything that resembled something that could help me. Nothing can help me now I thought to myself. If anything, I've just been getting worse and worse. I just can't forget what happened. How was I meant to just forget? I thought I was going to die that night. A part of me wanted to die so that it would all end. I begged for him to kill me but his reply was a sharp, mocking laugh. I don't know which hurt the most - the fact that he let me live or that he laughed at how helpless I was.

I sat back down next to Olivia. She would help me. She would be the one to save me. I needed to distract myself from his grasp that he had over me but I couldn't. I closed my eyes hoping to imagine myself somewhere else, anywhere but here. I would see myself with Frannie Mae and the sun was shining brightly. It reminded me of a holiday when it was just the two of us - Frannie Mae and me. We would play on the beach all day and it was just truly perfect. I wanted to desperately go back there. The thought of it even made me smile a little. I loved my dog. She was the only good thing in my life right now. My body began to relax and I felt I could get through this. I wasn't going to let him control me anymore. I was going to get my life back. The thought made me begin to feel human again. I was beginning to feel like Amanda again.

I pictured myself in the past and now I was picturing myself in the future. I kept telling myself that I was happy with where my life was going and I was but deep down I wanted more. I wanted to feel happy within myself so then maybe I could settle down with someone and I wanted to be the best cop I could be. I could picture myself earning a promotion and everyone would be congratulating me. They would be happy for me and I would be happy too. I would look at Olivia, Nick, Fin, Sonny and Rafael and their smiles would reflect back onto my face. I felt as if I belonged there. They weren't just my friends, they were my family.

Olivia was like my mother, always doing her best to look after me. Fin was like the protective father who always looked out for you. Nick was the brother who was also your best friend and you could trust him with anything. Sonny was the younger brother who had the potential to annoy you so much but he could also make you laugh more than you ever thought you could. Rafael was the uncle that would protect you but he'd try to act more like your friend. My dreams were being made surrounded by my family. Sergeant Amanda Rollins, how good did that sound?

"Well done Amanda."

He'd appeared in my thoughts to ruin my dreams. Again.

I wasn't going to let him destroy me but here I was, back at the start again. I was worse than I was before. He was even more manipulative in person than he was in memory. To infect all my thoughts all that needed to happen was to see his face. After I had transferred from Atlanta to Manhattan I thought, naively, that I would never see him again. Why did he have to be here? It felt as if I was back there in the hotel room. I took a deep breath hoping it would all go away. I can't go back to the way I was. I just can't. I could picture his face in my mind. It was like he was right in front of me. No, no, no I thought to myself. His face was plastered with a smug grin. It was like it was happening all over again.

I forced my eyes open and let out a small gasp. He was in front of me. Will this pain ever stop? Luckily everybody was too focused on his speech to realise how uncomfortable I was. Although a part of me wishes they could see what he really was but he hid his true colours well.

As he droned on and on about how the police force had become more effective over the last few years when dealing with rape cases our eyes met. They were fixated on me. I wanted to break the hold he had over me but I couldn't. Those eyes brought everything back. I panicked. I had to get away. The bathroom seemed like the only option. I looked down at my shoes. I loved my black heels as they looked so stylish and they were surprisingly comfortable. I realised that I couldn't look at my shoes for the rest of his speech. I told myself to just look up but it wasn't that easy. I knew he was there. Right in front of me. I lifted my head up slowly and found my eyes looking at him, just as his eyes were looking at me. Why was he still looking at me? Out of everyone at the conference he decided that he would focus on me. I decided to match his eyes. Our eyes were locked together.

He was so composed. His voice was strong and confident as it always was and he had this look in his eyes that he had that night. As every second that he looked at me passed, his eyes grew bigger and bigger. Surely someone would notice? He was blatantly staring at me. How wasn't anybody noticing? I couldn't do it anymore. It felt that as he was staring at me he was taking away my strength and gaining it making himself stronger and me weaker.

I turned my head away to try and focus on something else. I just realised how plain the walls were. They were all white. They must have been freshly painted because the smell of fresh paint still lingered in the air. I hated that smell, it always made me feel sick. The anxiety of seeing Patton and the smell of the paint mixed together was unbearable. I tried to distract myself again. I, once again, found myself staring at my shoes. He was probably laughing to himself about me. She can't even look me in the eye. I always knew she weak! I could hear his mocking tone and his piercing laugh. Enough was enough. I couldn't stand being in the same room as him much longer. I had two options - go to the bathroom and compose myself or stay here and have a breakdown. It was an easy choice.

I apologised to Olivia as I had to pass her to get to the bathroom. She gave me a smile in return. How could Olivia be so warm after every thing that she'd been through? I wish I was more like Olivia. She was beautiful and so intelligent. I found myself realising that I had begun to idolise Olivia. However who could blame me, after all she was a fantastic role model.

I was tempted to look back to see how focused my colleagues were. The bathroom was only across the room but it felt like it took hours to get there when it was under a minute. I felt like I was being watched. Since that night it felt as if my senses had been increased. I turned to the stage where Patton was speaking expecting him to be looking at me. I wanted to meet his eye to know that I wasn't running away and that I wasn't affected by his presence (even though I was). When I turned my head I saw him but he wasn't looking at me. He wasn't even looking at someone female. He was looking at my colleagues from Atlanta. Patton was explaining the rape/murder case of Chloe Donaldson and congratulating the detectives on the case who had worked so hard to find the killer. I still felt that uncomfortable feeling that someone was watching me, so who was it?

I studied the audience quickly to see who was looking at me. Our eyes met. It was Olivia. Her face ached with worry and her eyes wouldn't leave me. I gave her the most believable smile I could master. I wasn't sure whether she believed it or not. Could she see the tears that were building up in my eyes? I wasn't going to get through this. I could still feel her brown eyes watching me as I opened the bathroom door. I wondered if she realised what was making me feel like this. Did she know that something happened to me? No, of course she didn't. She couldn't. I was, as usual, overthinking. That's all. Every thing was under control. I could handle this. I was okay. Nothing was wrong. Apart from every thing.

I quickly rushed to the bathroom. I checked the stalls making sure no one was there before I stared at my reflection in the mirror. What the hell was I doing with my life? I hated what I saw. I hated what I had become. I wasn't Amanda anymore; I was a monster. My eyes had lost their brightness that they once had. Before I knew what was happening I was in floods of tears.

At that moment in time I didn't care if anyone came in and saw me. I collapsed to the floor and took deep breaths. The tears just wouldn't stop falling. I felt as if my skin was suffocating me. Why had I let this happen? I could've stopped it. I could've done something. I could've told someone. But I never did. Why? That question kept going round and round in my head. After five or so minutes I began to calm down after realising that I had to go back soon or if I didn't they might begin to question my absence. I wiped my tears and practiced my smile in the mirror. It never looked the same after that night.

After looking in the mirror I noticed how my mascara had run. I decided to wipe it off as I didn't bring my make-up with me and I couldn't let anyone see me like this. I couldn't let anyone know something was wrong.

"I am okay. Nothing is wrong." I said aloud to try and convince myself however it didn't work as I found myself thinking but nothing is right either. I slowly walked towards the door and I was ready to return to my own personal hell.

He was still talking. I returned to my seat, smiling as I passed Olivia and looked at the others. They didn't question how long I was gone, probably because they were too busy listening. If they knew what had happened would they still listen to his every word? Would they still have respect for him, like they do now? This conference is the last place where he should be, he should be in jail.

He ruined everything I had and what happened to him? Nothing. He's still the Chief in Atlanta. He still has a life. I have nothing left, apart from Frannie, of course. I could feel the burning sensation within my lungs. It had been years and he was still haunting me. I felt the anger go through my veins. It would be so easy to just shoot him and get him out of my life for once and for all. I smiled at the thought.

I startled out of my hatred for the man who had destroyed my life as my name was mentioned. I looked up to see where the words had came from, even though I already knew. His voice was unmistakable. What right did he have to mention my name? He looked directly into my eyes and smiled. He had the nerve to smile at me. I looked down to see my hands were shaking. I quickly tried to pretend that I was fixing my hair. Fin gave me a wary look and I replied with a smile. He probably thinks I'm just embarrassed at being mentioned by my old boss.

Sometimes I wish I could tell Fin what happened, tell him what he did to me. But who would believe some stupid blonde bitch who only cared about herself over an experienced chief, anyway? I tried to focus on something other than him. I needed to. I saw the clock and hoped that the speech would be over soon so I could get the hell out of there. The air was getting so thick I felt like I was being suffocated. That's the affect he has on me. He always has and he always will. I've tried to make him leave my thoughts but all I end up doing is pushing the people I care about away.

Finally his speech was over. It was over. I could leave. I was eyeing the door which would lead me to safety. I just wanted to sprint to it and never look back.

"Amanda?" Nick spoke.

"Amanda? Are you coming?"

I turned round to see that Olivia, Sonny and Fin were already making their way towards the other end of the room where people had gathered to be able to discuss the issues that had been brought up in the speeches that they had just heard. I smiled at Nick and followed him to where the others were standing. They greeted us with a warm smile which was returned by the both of us.

"It's great to see that we're actually making a difference. More and more rape kits are being tested. Hopefully one day we'll be able to say that every rape kit is quickly and efficiently tested." Olivia said.

Everyone nodded their head in agreement. The others started to talk about something - it must have been funny because Carisi started laughing - but I zoned out. He was walking towards us. He was walking towards me.

"Oh hey Chief Patton. Great speech!" Sonny called out.

 **A/N: Hi guys! Thanks so much for reading this, it's my first story so I hope it isn't too bad and you enjoyed it. I would love some feedback so please let me know what you think.**


	3. Chapter 2

'Through every bone I break

Through every word you say,

You're just another enemy.

Right now, get away from me.

You won't, get the best of me.

I can't, stop or slow down,

I never have and I never will.

I never will.

You won't break me

Or silence this heartbeat,

Your words - they mean nothing.

I will break free

From walls that surround me,

I'm sick of this feeling, I will break free from you.'

Amanda's POV

"Thank you Detective Carisi. I hope you learnt something from it."

His voice was confident and I seemed to be the only one that heard his haunting tone. Sonny nodded his head. I liked Carisi but sometimes his eagerness to impress annoyed me. Especially when it was towards Patton.

"Olivia, your speech was inspiring. Reese and I are thinking of taking part in some of the programmes that you mentioned."

He called her Olivia and he hardly knew her. Was he trying to get to me by acting like he was the new member of the group? If so, it was working. It always worked. Reese Traymor was a blonde detective that worked at Atlanta. It almost felt as if she was my replacement. She stuck to his side like they were a couple. She seemed to be smiling and confident so maybe she could handle him. I hope she wouldn't have to suffer the way I did. No, it wouldn't happen to anyone else. I was a one-off.

Some days the guilt got to me. But, what if it did happen to someone when I could have prevented it? Then that voice in my head came back. It was your fault. No crime was committed. You consented, remember? I didn't. I changed my mind. I could do that. Anyone could do that. He should have stopped. I asked him to stop. Why didn't he stop?

Maybe it was because he had had a few drinks or maybe it was because he didn't care? He got what he wanted and that's all he cared about. It was all about himself. I can't believe I agreed in the first place. I should've let Kim deal with it on her own. She was always getting into trouble with the police. She probably would've gone to jail. That should've been a wake-up call for her, a realisation that she has to change her lifestyle. It wasn't, of course.

What I went through, I went through it for nothing. I don't blame Kim for what happened. It wasn't her fault. However I can't look at her the same way as I did before. After every single thing that she did, I was always there for her. Always looking out for her. She never did that for me. The only person she looked out for was herself. I hated that about her. Why did she have to be so self-centered? That's something that Kim and Patton had in common. They had many similarities. Bad qualities about them.

I had tried over the years to change Kim's bad traits so she could get her life back on track but they just got worse. She gave up on herself a long time ago. My best wasn't good enough to help her. My best was never enough. Her only chance was professional help but there was no way she'd do it. I would struggle to do that. After all these years I hadn't seeked professional help. Maybe if I had I'd be better. I'd be okay. I might be able to handle seeing his face.

"It's great to see you, Amanda. How did you find the speeches?"

He had stepped closer to me. I had to hold my nerve. I struggled to keep my breathing steady. He couldn't hurt me, physically anyway, with all these people around us.

"They were all very informative. I hope they make a difference." I spoke calmly. He nodded his head.

"Me too darlin'."

His eyes staring directly at mine. His smile venomous to my eyes only.

"I've lost a great cop letting this one go." He said as he touched my arm.

It took everything I had not to tense up or to punch him in the face. I can't believe he touched me but after everything he had done why was I so surprised? This was to be expected. His manipulative ways would never change. People like him didn't have the ability to change.

"Don't worry, we know that." Fin said dryly.

I was glad that Fin didn't seem to like Patton. It felt as if I had someone on my side. Every one respects Patton because he is the Chief. They expect him to be an outstanding cop and an honest and trustworthy gentleman. Even if they can't see it, they give him the benefit of the doubt because after all he is the Chief. That's why I couldn't tell anyone. Nobody would believe me and my career would be over. Every thing I had worked so hard for would be gone. I couldn't let that happen. All of a sudden I wanted to tell Fin. He would believe me. He would help me.

"Well it was great to see you all. We're just going to catch up with some of my other friends now."

He walked off arm in arm with Reese. He looked like he had so much control. Did she know what he was really like? She was walking with him with so much confidence and ease. I wanted to pull her away from him but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything.

I made a quick glance at Olivia and I noticed her and Fin were looking at each other with raised eyebrows. It was probably due to Patton's rudeness. He's always been like that but since he's the Chief he thinks it's perfectly okay to act like that. Did that mean that Olivia was losing respect for Patton? If she lost just a bit of respect then, maybe just maybe, Olivia and Fin would believe me.

We were all talking amongst ourselves when Nick started to walk away.

"I'm just going to say hi to Sam."

People came over to congratulate Olivia on her speech. It was great to see her getting the acknowledgement that she deserved. Andrew Knowles never showed his face again. He probably wasn't used to rejection but I'm sure his ego will heal itself. Fin, Sonny and Rafael were talking when I noticed that Olivia wasn't there. Maybe she had gone to find Andrew after all. Maybe she had changed her mind. I hope she didn't. Not just because I was in love with her but because Andrew Knowles wasn't good enough for her. She deserved better. So much better.

I studied the room to see if I could see her. Relief took over once I could see her outline. I found her by the refreshments table. She had a glass of orange juice in her hand. Her eyes lit up when they saw me.

"Hey, do you want a drink?"

I nodded my head and she handed me a glass of orange juice.

"I've just realised how many people are here."

The table was at the back of the room so you had a full view of the room.

"Yeah."

I didn't really want to talk, I just wanted to be close to Olivia. I wanted her to hold me and tell me that every thing would be alright. That's all I wanted. However that would never happen. I started to blush at the thought of Olivia comforting me. She must have realised that I didn't want to talk because she replied in the form of a smile. Her smile was infectious.

"Should we go back and join the others?" I finally suggested.

"If you want." She was still smiling.

It was hard to get through the crowds of people. Olivia suddenly tugged at my arm to help get me through the crowds so we wouldn't get separated but I tensed up thinking it was Patton. "Amanda, are you okay?"

Olivia looked worried. I hated to see her like this.

"Yeah, I just didn't realise it was you!"

I let out a small laugh. This was partly true. By her words she told me she believed me but her face was skeptical. We finally got back to the group and Nick had returned, along with Sam.

I worked with Sam Reynolds back in Atlanta. I used to think Sam was okay but he was just like the rest of them. Atlanta was a boys club and I was obviously not welcome. After that night rumours were spread. I was seen as a slut. I became the woman who slept with her boss to get a promotion. That wasn't me though.

I didn't believe that at the start because I knew what really happened - none of them were there. They didn't have a clue. But when so many people tell you differently, you have to question yourself, don't you? I wasn't Amanda Rollins the detective. I was Amanda Rollins the whore. I had to get away from Atlanta. I couldn't cope being constantly reminded of what happened. My colleagues reaction didn't help. They believed him, of course they did. In Atlanta they only looked out for certain people. If you didn't fit into that category then they wouldn't care as long as it didn't affect them.

It was so different in Manhattan. In Manhattan they looked out for you no matter what. That's why I'm glad I transferred here. I met the most amazing people. I even like Barba. I'm so close to telling them my darkest secret but I don't know if I'm ready. I haven't told anyone before. If I told them and they didn't believe me then my career would be over. People who had an ounce of respect for me would be lost. My life would basically be over.

I didn't want to talk to Sam. I never wanted to talk to Sam again. I didn't take part in the conversation unless I was prompted. What I noticed though was throughout the conversation Olivia never took her eyes off me. Not once. She must know that something was wrong with me.

Finally Sam was leaving. He walked away to join the others. We were back to a group of six. I liked it that way. I could trust these people and these people trusted me. In some cases, they trusted me with their life. They made me feel like part of a team. I've never felt that I've belonged somewhere until I came here. Nick walked with Sam to say goodbye. Hopefully for ever. I liked Nick and I didn't want him to get mixed up with the wrong crowd. The Atlanta PD didn't know a thing about loyalty. It was going to ruin them one day. Karma's a bitch. After a few minutes Nick came back.

"Sam was wondering if we would join him for a drink later."

There was no way I would be going. Barba said he had paperwork to catch up on and so wouldn't be able to go. Carisi had an excuse too. He was going to see his sister to see how she was getting on.

"What about you Liv?"

"I can't, sorry. I've got to get back to Noah." Nick nodded his head, understanding.

"Fin?" He asked hopefully.

"No chance."

I liked that about Fin. He didn't even make up an excuse, just told it how it was. I wish I could be like that but I don't have the guts. I'm not the one to stand out from the crowd; I'm the one to merge into the background, not being noticed. Nick turned to look at me.

"I guess it's just you and me then."

I couldn't go. I wasn't going to go.

"Sorry but I can't."

"Oh, okay. Maybe another time then?"

"Maybe."

"Hey, do you need a lift back?" Olivia was still here.

"That'd be great."

We walked out of the room and headed for the lift. It was mostly empty because most of the people were still at the reception. The only person I recognised was Olivia. I'm glad she was still here. When I think about it, I don't know how I would get home. The lift made its familiar ping and we got off. The floor looked the same as when we first saw it. The only difference was that the young receptionnist was replaced by an older man who never seemed to stop smiling. The street looked different in the dark. It was busy but not as busy as it was before. It was colder than it was before. I was freezing.

"Do you want my jacket?"

I shook my head. How could I take her jacket?

"Here. Take it. You're shaking."

I reluctantly took her jacket. It was warm and it smelt like her. It gave me a sense of security. Why did she have this effect on me? She probably just wants to be friends but I don't know if I can do that. Every time I see her, hear her, or talk to her, it makes me need her. That's one of the many flaws that I possess. I'm needy. Olivia doesn't need this. She doesn't need me. I wish I could stop thinking about her every minute of every day. I need to get over her because I'll never be able to call her mine.

We finally got in her car and the first thing she did was switch on the heater to full. I suddenly felt guilty. There was no need for her to feel cold. She shouldn't be putting me first. It was making me fall for her more because I wasn't used to this. I was always second choice. To some people I wasn't even a choice. Olivia treated me like a human being. Like I was someone.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Taking your jacket. You're cold."

Olivia shook her head. "Not anymore."

She smiled to give me reassurance. How did she know how to make me feel better? Since the streets weren't as busy the journey wouldn't take as long, probably forty minutes. I hated sitting in silence with Olivia.

"How's Noah?" Olivia's eyes lit up.

I loved it how her eyes were always full of emotion. Her eyes were so expressive while mine were just dull.

"He's great. He's growing up so fast. You should come over and visit him sometime."

Was Olivia inviting me over to her house? Did she actually want to spend time with me outside work?

"I'd like that."

"How about today? You only live a block away from me."

How could I refuse an offer like that? Spending even just an extra minute with Olivia would be amazing.

"Yeah, that'd be good."

"Noah will be so excited to see you again."

I couldn't help but smile at that. Noah was adorable. He was literally the cutest baby I had ever seen - although he was more like a toddler now. His smile had so much hope. Even though he wasn't Olivia's biological son he reminded me so much of her.

It took twenty minutes until we reached Olivia's apartment. It was just what I expected. It was modern and it had a sense of home to it. Olivia clearly had a tasteful style going by the way her apartment was decorated.

"Here he is!" Olivia exclaimed as she brought Noah into the living room.

He instantly smiled at me. Noah had grown so much since the last time I had seen him but his cheeky smile hadn't changed. Olivia was clearly doing a good job raising Noah.

"He looks great Olivia, you're doing so well."

Olivia blushed at the compliment, almost as if she wasn't used to getting them. That made me feel sad to think that she didn't realise how amazing she truly was. Olivia's the most amazing person I've ever met. She's extraordinary. I just wish she knew that. I wish she knew how much I admired her. How much I loved her.

I had been at Olivia's apartment for just over an hour. We had been constantly talking, smiling, and laughing. We were getting on so well. This was so much better than what I had imagined it would be like. There were no awkward silences. It was like we had known each other for years.

"I better put Noah to bed now." Noah looked half asleep. He was starting to drift off to sleep in Olivia's lap.

"Goodnight Noah." He waved goodbye to me as Olivia carried him to bed.

Noah looked so comfortable in Olivia's arms. It was just so adorable how cute the pair were. Ten minutes later Olivia came back. She still had a smile on her face.

"I think I should be going now."

I didn't want to intrude on Olivia. I was finally getting to know her. It had been busy so she was probably tired. We both had work tomorrow so she was going to want to go to sleep.

"Are you sure?" It almost felt as if Olivia was hiding some disappointment but she was overall composed.

"Yeah, it's been a long day." I smiled at her to reassure her that she wasn't the reason why I was going.

"It's lucky that I only live a block away so I don't have to walk far."

Olivia smiled. "You should come around more often."

I promised that I would. We said our goodbyes and as I was heading towards the door I heard Olivia say:

"By the way Amanda, what happened to your make-up?"

For the second time that day I froze. What was I meant to say? I hated lying to Olivia but I couldn't tell her the truth. Not now, not yet. I wasn't ready. I don't know if I would ever be ready.

"It was cheap make-up, that's all."

Olivia nodded her head. I don't know whether she accepted it or not but she smiled at me and told me that she would see me tomorrow.

I didn't want to go home. I wanted to get drunk. Instead of going home I walked in the opposite direction. I walked towards the nearest bar that I knew. I knew that I was close to it as I could hear the drunken cheers from the people inside. I knew I could hide in there. It was a safe place. I slowly opened the door to automatically receive attention from the people inside. There weren't many women, mostly men. A few seats were free at the bar so I went and sat down. The bartender gave me a nice smile and asked me what I wanted. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't care.

"Something strong."

The bartender went away to pour me a drink.

"Here you go."

As soon as the liquid touched my throat I knew it was strong. It was just what I wanted. It was just what I needed. I needed to forget that today ever happened and go back to my normal life. Well as normal a life I could have. The drink was gone in seconds. The bartender, whose name tag said Andy, raised his eyebrow. I asked for another and he obliged. Again, the drink was gone in seconds.

After I had finished the third drink the bartender came over to my direction. "Hit me." I called out and he poured me another drink. This was going to be the last one, I told myself. I was drunk. Really drunk. I had to walk home so after I had finished the drink I paid the bartender and left. The cold air stuck to my skin. It was freezing. I walked slowly, not wanting to go too fast in case I tripped over. This made the air colder. I felt as if I stood still I would freeze.

I passed Olivia's apartment. It was so tempting to just knock on her door. I knew I couldn't though. It wouldn't be fair on her or Noah. I slowed my pace right down when passing Olivia's apartment in the off-chance that she might be looking out of her window and notice that the shadow in the darkness was me. It never happened so I picked up my pace again. Altogether it took twenty minutes from the bar to my apartment. I opened my door to see Frannie sitting on the sofa. As soon as she realised it was me she jumped off it to greet me.

"Hey Frannie." I said, surprising myself at how normal I sounded.

I went and sat down on the sofa and Frannie joined me, reclaiming her spot. Frannie cuddled into me which was just what I needed. It made me feel more relaxed. As I was drifting off to sleep I whispered, "Do you know what's funny? I drank to forget his name but ended up forgetting mine."

A/N: Here's an update! As always, I appreciate all the reads and reviews I get :) Thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 3

' _If I let you in, you'd just want out._

 _If I tell you the truth, you'd vie for a lie._

 _If I spilt my guts, it would make a mess we can't clean up._

 _If you follow me, you will only get lost._

 _If you try to get closer, we'll only lose touch._

 _But you already know too much, and you're not going anywhere._

 _Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much._

 _Tell me that you love me 'cause I need you so much._

 _Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much._

 _Say you'll never leave me 'cause I need you so much.'_

 **Olivia's POV**

I knew something was wrong. The Amanda that I had spoken to this morning and the Amanda that was at my apartment were completely different. Like two different people. I didn't recognise the first one. She was quiet, almost afraid. That wasn't the Amanda I knew. She was one of the most extraordinary people I had ever met. She was bubbly and kind. But she was also fearless. Something had terrified her.

The way she said those excuses, it seemed as if she was trying to convince herself more than me. Something had scared her at that conference. Why didn't she tell me? What happened if she recognised someone but then who could be at the conference that made her want to isolate herself and want to run away? Maybe I should have asked. Maybe I should have told her that I knew she was lying. Maybe if I had said that then she might have confided in me. She knew she could trust me so why wasn't she telling me? The only reason I could think of was that she was scared that I was going to get her in trouble.

I could never do that to Amanda. Whenever she was in trouble I used to put in a good word to Cragen to tell him to give her another chance. I knew that she had potential to be an even better cop than me, she just needed someone to believe in her and let her know what's she doing well and what she can improve on. After her gambling problems Cragen was thinking of transferring her to another district but I couldn't let that happen. I managed to persuade Cragen that she was worth the risks and that she was exactly what our unit needed but I still had to show my authority to demonstrate that she can't keep doing what she was doing.

Cragen and I managed to make a deal with Internal Affairs that if I kept an eye on Rollins and made sure she stuck to the straight and narrow and continued being a good cop then she'd stay and keep her job, if not that'd be her out. Everything she had worked so hard for would be gone. That's why I had to protect her. If there was anything that was going to affect her ability to do her job correctly I had to know. She was my responsibility.

Amanda had no idea. She still doesn't and it's going to stay that way. I can't afford Amanda knowing because she'd probably not take it well. She would feel like she was being treated like a baby and that she wasn't part of the team. But she was. She was so important and valued even though I could tell she didn't feel this way. It was one of her insecurities. I think she's never felt like part of a team. Especially in Atlanta.

She must have been crying since her make-up was gone. The realisation that she had been crying kicked in. Amanda was all alone crying her eyes out because someone had drove her to feel this way. When I found out who had made Amanda feel this way I couldn't be held accountable for my actions. Nobody gets away with hurting someone I care about.

She became motionless when I had mentioned it. Whatever it was she was too scared to tell me as she clearly didn't want me to know. That hurt thinking that Amanda wouldn't tell me if she was in trouble - we were meant to trust each other. She probably thinks that she's alone. I hated that feeling and I needed to let her know that she's not alone. She's got me. She always has and she always will. I'll never let her down or I'll at least try my hardest not to. I'd do anything for her.

I try to get her to go with me instead of Nick sometimes on interviews. I tell myself it's to check up on her - to make sure she's okay but I find the main reason being because I like to spend time with her, even if it is interviewing a suspect. I get this feeling that I can't describe when I'm around her.

I put her with Carisi because even though they both have things to learn, they're able to teach each other things so they're able to become better cops. I sometimes wonder if something is going to happen between them. They always seem to be happy with one another. Amanda deserves to be happy. She deserves so much more than she has.

I got out my phone to text Amanda. _Hope you got home safe_. How stupid did that sound? It reminded me of how motherly I can be. I didn't want to come across that way. I wanted to be someone she could rely on, someone she could trust. I wanted her to not see me as her boss that she has to impress. She left at around nine and it had just turned midnight. It'd be stupid to text her this late. She'd have gotten home hours ago. She would probably be sleeping like I should be now. The last thing she needed was to be woken up by me.

She'd think I was in some sort of danger, she'd probably panic and call Carisi and the whole squad would think something was wrong especially since everything that had happened with Lewis or she'd just think I was overprotective. Maybe she'd tell me she thought it was too weird to hang out with her boss outside work. She didn't need me like I needed her.

I put my phone back down and went to bed. I needed to sleep since I had work in the morning but I couldn't. She kept going around and around in my head. Only her. I couldn't stop thinking about her eyes. Her eyes were the ocean that I would give up air to explore. But sometimes she has this glint in her eyes when she thinks no one is looking and she expresses her pain but the look is gone within five seconds. Her smile could light up a room but it held so much darkness. Her smile could make her seem fine but her eyes would let you know the truth. The only thing that they didn't tell me was what had happened. That was something I'd have to figure out myself.

Something had happened to her. I wish I could've been there for her so I could protect her. I would do anything to protect her. She's not just a member of my squad; she's like part of my family. I don't know what I'd do without her.

At my darkest moments when I felt like I couldn't do it anymore I thought of Noah, of course. He's my little miracle. I was so lucky to have him in my life. Then Amanda would crop up in my thoughts and I found myself thinking of her all the time. Wondering what she's doing, how she is, where she is. Things like that constantly. At first I tried to stop it because I couldn't understand why I was thinking so much of her but now I've realised that I can't stop it so I just let it happen. Now I didn't really mind it. I would be lying if I said I didn't like it.

The feelings occurred so suddenly. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her at work. I had to know her every movements. At times I thought this obsession, or whatever it was, was getting out of control. I didn't want to seem like a stalker or controller. I just wanted to keep her safe. I knew first hand that Manhattan could be a dangerous place. I don't think I could deal with the pain of losing her. That's why I need to know these things, so I can keep her safe. I need to be her protecter.

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to Noah crying. I hope he hadn't been crying long. It was just after three. I got off the sofa and went to Noah's room. Once I had found out that I was going to be fostering Noah I painted his room an ocean blue colour and I was planning on creating an underwater scene but I wasn't sure if I should since this was only going to be temporary. When it was announced that I had officially adopted Noah I couldn't contain my tears. He was finally mine.

I decided to repaint his room. On one wall he had an underwater scene with fish and whales. On another wall was a rainforest scene with different kind of monkeys and exotic frogs. On his third wall was my favourite scene - the savannah. It was covered in zebras and giraffes and lions. His final wall was an Antarctic scene with dozens of penguins. He loved it, especially since he was able to do his animal impressions which every time I heard I couldn't help but smile. Everything he did brought a smile to my face.

His crying eased as soon as he saw me. He just missed me which made me feel needed and loved. Noah was my responsibility, he relied on me. It wasn't like the responsibilities I have for my squad, it was different. I was his mum. I picked him up and after roughly ten minutes he fell asleep in my arms. Noah looked so peaceful when he was sleeping.

Seeing him like this made me not want to give him up. After all we've been through together how could I let him go? He was happy here. He was safe. He belonged here. He was my son and I was his mother. I quietly put him back into bed. He still slept. He moved around slightly to get comfortable but he never woke up. He must be tired as sometimes it can take ages to get to sleep. I looked at him one more time before leaving the room. "Goodnight Noah." I whispered.

It took a lot of strength for me to leave Noah. Once I saw him I didn't want to leave him alone. After everything that happened with Lewis I was terrified that someone was going to creep into my home and take Noah away from me. I hated leaving him alone. I didn't want him to feel as if I was abandoning him. I could never do that. I even put extra locks on the door and doubled checked to make sure that I had locked the door and shut all the windows. Paranoia had taken over my life. I needed some normality in my life. I just wanted my life to be steady for once but something always had to go wrong. I didn't have any control over it and it's made worse by my constant worrying, mainly about Noah. I wouldn't be able to cope if I lost him.

I walked into the kitchen and went to make myself a coffee. I couldn't go back to sleep. I hardly even felt tired. My mind was too busy over thinking. Amanda was on my mind. I needed to figure out what was wrong with her. I was going to do that eventually. I drank the coffee as quickly as I had made it. It wasn't even four. My shift was starting at eight. I went to the living room and sat on the sofa and switched on the TV to see if there was anything decent on. I didn't know why I was expecting something good on - it was 3:45am. The TV lit up the room and I suddenly noticed something on the floor. It was a bracelet. It wasn't mine so it must be Amanda's. It couldn't belong to anyone else as I didn't often bring anyone back to my house. Mainly because of Noah but also because I wasn't exactly interested in anyone right now. Well nobody that would be interested in me. I was about to text her to tell her when I remembered her phone would be on. I didn't want to be alone but at the same time the only person I wanted to see was Amanda. I didn't want to be around some random person or even someone that I knew. I wouldn't be able to around her. She'd still be asleep. She wouldn't want to be around me anyway. Amanda was the only person who could make me laugh when I wanted to cry. All I wanted was for her to hug me and tell me that she loved me because I... I loved her. I had fallen in love with Amanda Rollins. She was perfect for me. She was everything I had ever wanted and all I ever needed. We got on so well as friends and that would be all we'd ever be.

I took a deep breath and placed my phone down on the table. I looked at the bracelet again. It was beautiful. It was a simple gold bracelet but it was still stunning. I wonder how I hadn't noticed it before. I placed it next to my phone. To pass the time I decided to go for a long shower. The water was too hot so I turned it down until the temperature was perfect. It relaxed me a lot. I felt as if nothing could stop me from having a good day. After all, my shift wasn't that long compared to others I'd had. I would be finished by 4pm which meant I would get to spend more time with Noah. After I got out of the shower I picked my outfit for the day: black jeans and a simple black top. It was warm outside so I didn't bother picking out a jumper or a blazer. I looked at the clock and it was 5am. I then realised how hungry I was. I looked through my cupboards and managed to find some cereal that looked edible. I ate slowly, the tiredness was finally beginning to kick in. I needed coffee. I took my last bite twenty minutes after I took my first. By the end it had disintegrated and tasted bland. I washed the bowl and put it back where I found it. I then reached for my coffee machine and clicked it on. The coffee was just what I needed. Strong. After finishing it I felt awake and alert. I went and sat down on the sofa to relax and turned on the news. Why did the anchorman have such a boring voice? The main headlines had just been summarised and the man then stated the time. It was 6:12am. Why was I awake at this time? Why couldn't I sleep? What was wrong with me? All the answers led back to her. It was always her.

Suddenly my phone rang. I jumped to get it in case it was her. It wasn't. I was slightly disappointed to see that it was only Fin.

"Hey Fin."

"Hey Liv. How do you sound so awake at 6am?" I just laughed and pointed out that it was quarter past six.

"Same thing Liv." Fin joked.

"You're needed at the station. The whole squad's being called in."

"Okay, just let me call Lucy."

Lucy was understanding as always. She said she'd be there in ten minutes. I put my phone and Amanda's bracelet in my bag. I went through to Noah's room to say goodbye. He was sleeping so peacefully. A part of me didn't want to wake him up. "Wake up Noah." I said softly. He responded to my voice. His lips curled into a smile. I took him through to the living room and we sat together on the sofa. I would never forget these moments with Noah.

"Mummy's got to go to work but she'll be back soon, okay?" He hugged me as if he understood.

I heard a knock on the door. It was Lucy. I thanked her for coming so early and she smiled. As soon as she walked through the door she got to work making Noah breakfast. I was so lucky to have Lucy. She was such a lovely girl who clearly cared about Noah and she was so understanding about my job.

"Bye Noah!" I waved at him and he waved back.

I hated saying goodbye to him. Sometimes he waved back and other times he cried. When he cried I just wanted to go over to him and hug him and never let him go. I closed the door behind me. I was already missing Noah.

I got in my car and drove. I smiled at the thought of seeing Amanda. I wondered whether she'd want a lift to work. Even though the police station was in the opposite direction to Amanda's apartment I decided to go see her. There was a shop with a car park just ahead. I went there with the thought of turning my car around when I remembered the night before. Amanda had been crying but she tried to cover it up with the cheap make-up story. Without realising what I was doing I was in the shop looking at the make-up. There was some mascara and I grabbed the most expensive one there which was $34. She better appreciate this I thought to myself. I went to the check-out and paid. I got back in my car and headed for Amanda's apartment.

I was looking forward to seeing Amanda. I was feeling excited but then the nerves kicked in. What if she didn't want to see me? What if she thought I was being weird? What if she didn't feel the same? I was now telling myself that I was falling in love with Amanda. I don't know how but I was. Olivia Benson loved Amanda Rollins. I smiled at that. I felt as if I was some stupid teenager. I blushed at the thought. I parked my car outside Amanda's apartment. Her car was still there so I assumed that she hadn't left yet. I was about to buzz her apartment when somebody was walking out so I walked straight in. It took me a second to remember Amanda's flat number. I decided to take the stairs instead of the lift to calm my nerves. Five minutes later after two flights of stairs I had arrived at Amanda's apartment. I took a deep breath and knocked.

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I know it wasn't the best, it's more of a filler but I hope it was still good xD**

 **Don't you just love Noah?**

Anyway, since this is my first story I would really appreciate feedback as I want to know what you guys think of the plot so far, the chapter length, things like that :)

 **AS ALWAYS IF YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER:**

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 **-cateyxo**


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